SO, I was back, and then I haven't been back since. Lol. I am truly bad at keeping up with this. But, I will say things have been hard lately. And I have thought about blogging about it. But I didn't know how to go about it without sounding like I was totally bitching and being all poor me. I know there are people who have it alot worse out there, so I don't want to seem ungrateful or like a bitch, haha. But ya know what? My blog so I can bitch as much as I want, : )
I am just one of those keep it in people. Things get hard, and I worry, constantly. I talk to my hubby eventually, usually while breaking down and crying. Don't feel bad for me, I'm all good. This is not meant to make anyone feel bad for me/us, or anything else. It is just what has been going on, and like I said, my blog, so I should be able to talk about what truly bothers me. I guess in the past, if I complained too much about stuff, people would call me out on it and say I was a miserable person. I truly am not. I can complain about the hard stuff, but trust me, I am VERY thankful for the good stuff (ie my family <3)
So, we are poor. lol. Not like homeless poor, I know there are people who have it worse, and do not have a home. We have a house we just bought this past summer. But things are TIGHT! We live paycheck to paycheck, and it stinks. We have NO $ for anything extra. Living on such a tight budget is hard, really really hard. My husband works 6 days a week at his job, and then also recently had to take a second job working 2 nights a week. So on Wednesdays and Saturdays he goes from one job to another, and doesn't get home until about midnight. We barely see him, and he works his butt off for us, and for him I was always be grateful. He is the anchor of our family.
This has been bothering me alot lately. Mostly with some medical bills that have been piling up. Shane had went to the er with a concussion back in November, and then I also went in December when I had my eye issues. So, we have 2 er bills, even though we have insurance, they are ridiculous, and on top of the er bills, we also got 2 bills from the er doctors, which are way worse! This on top of all our other bills, when we barely are making it, makes me worry, alot. So, we figured as long we we pay something they cannot do anything to us. Well, we got a letter today from the hospital saying our payment did not meet their payment criteria and to call them to set up payments. We cannot afford anymore, and we are making an attempt to pay, so really? I will call them Tuesday, and tell them this. We can't pay what we don't have, but we always will pay something.
My husband's insurance sucks. It stinks, because like I said, racking up medical bills. And co-pays that are too high. I had an appointment I had to cancel this month, even though I waited a month and a half to get in, because we don't have the co-pay. I was suppose to go get a doppler done on the back of my leg, but can't because we can't afford the co-pay. Not being able to take care of ourselves physically sucks. I hate this. We have always worked so hard, yet things are always tough on us.
But the worst part, the absolute worst, is feeling like we cannot provide for our kids. I always have to get them clothes free from other people, or buy stuff used at thrift stores and online garage sale sites. My kids deserve more then this. They are the most wonderful kids in the world, and I hate the thought of ever letting them down. I know they don't care if its used or not, but I do. I want them to have nice things too! And we have wanted to put Shane into karate class or thought of maybe signing him up for soccer, but once again, these are extras we can't afford. :( Breaks my heart. I don't have barely any clothes, never get to pamper myself, and I'll dislike it, but I will deal with it. But my kids deserve soo soo much more. Does this make us bad parents? We love them with all our hearts, and they are our world! But, these are the thoughts I think when times get tough.
I don't know what we would do without my mom. It seems she is always the one buying stuff for the kids, that we should be providing. I know grandparents do these things, but she is the only one who does. And she has it rough too, but she always finds the $ for them. I hate taking from her, but if it's for my kids, I will. And I hate feeling like I am always taking advantage of her.
Why does it always have to come down to money? I broke down to my husband a week or so ago. I said I don't understand why things are always so hard for us? We are good, honest, hard working people, yet all we do is struggle. It isn't fair! And it is hard to find people who understand and don't think down upon us. We aren't deadbeats, far from it. We are just struggling.
We just moved to PA 6 months ago, and I would love to meet some new mommy friends, and have playdates and stuff like that, but it is hard to do stuff, when you have NO money. :( I think alot of people just don't understand. I am grateful to the friends that do understand though. I think being winter, it makes it harder. In the summer we love going to the park, and packing a lunch. But in the winter, if we go out, we cannot afford to eat out. And omg, eating...don't get me started! One of my biggest worries, is not being able to afford to buy all the expensive organic and really healthy food for my kids....and me too, cuz I would love to do Weight Watchers again! Only way I could ever lose weight was going to meeting and counting points. But we just can't afford it all :(
Okay, having bitched about all my problems, I want to say again, I know people have it worse. And I also am VERY grateful for what we do have. I just wish it wasn't such a struggle, and we didn't always have to check our bank balance to see if we can afford something. And it would be nice to just be able to go shopping one day to buy some nice new stuff. To not have to shop in the thrift store. Or to go to a hair salon and get my hair done, lol. While I'm at it, get Saige's name tattoed on me, and finish my sleeve, haha.... kidding. (sorta) I would really just like to live comfortably! I don't need to be rich, just to have to not struggle would be awesome! :)
Maybe I should stop doing this and go buy a lottery ticket.